I thought I didn’t have words but I do.

I’ve been messed up and I probably couldn’t tell you where I’ve been mentally the past seven months. Gone? Someone told me don’t hold it back and don’t disassociate the pain and the emotions because it wouldn’t help. Haha, guess what? It didn’t help. While I was not trying to push away the feelings or emotions, it took until like maybe a month ago for it to hit me that I was not me. Last week it hit me that I DEFINITELY wasn’t me.

I’m thinking a lot about the way people responded to me and the way people treated me and I’ve got a lot to thank for sure . They probably kept me from completely going off the deep end. I thought I was okay, I didn’t need to say anything or really conversate with anyone. The truth is, I still got a lot to say, because I realized I did have some words on the matter. Because emotionally, I am wrecked. I took a week off work and came back and realized that the way I had been was probably one of the worst depressions I had ever been in. I am T.I.R.E.D. of fucking hearing everyone around me whisper about this, shoot me looks, subliminal words, acting like they don’t know.

I thought I didn’t have words but I do.

Yes! Thank you! I’ve lost weight, 50lbs. Oh my diet? Depression. I looked cute fat and I still look cute now. Please stop commenting on my body. You are doing more harm than good considering I wasn’t eating.

Yes! I get it you feel guilty. Your guilt is not mine to eat. Quit trying to serve me it.

Yes! I get it! You think that NOW you can support me, I do not want nor need your support. I already have what I need.


Am I getting better at existing?

I AM space, I take up space and I invent ways to exist however I please. Quietly and loudly simultaneously.

I tell my plants: “room to grow, room to glow” whenever I have to give them a trim and take off any wilted leaves. Recently I feel like I have been doing that with myself. Dealing with traumas and feelings I really thought were over, but putting it on the back burner never really works. You still have to deal with it at some point. By that I mean actually growing and then looking back at how you used to be when you THOUGHT you were glowing up, and cringing and crying a little because you just added another year of self work. Congratulations.

At times I thought I was confident. I didn’t look at myself and immediately want to bare knuckle box myself. I finally wanted to look at myself in the mirror and realize that was me! Im out of disassociation folks! and I AM pretty damn awesome. That all means nothing though, when I didn’t really respect myself. Self made boundaries, unlearning fawn coping mechanism, learning to pick apart the anxiety the way it picks me apart. Realizing I am my own power, despite anyone or anything.

I AM space, I take up space and I invent ways to exist however I please. Quietly and loudly simultaneously.

Now that I’ve stated my self power, my self growth…. on a side note, if I could just rant for a second. Because I know you’re not suppose to take it personal, but sometimes it feels personal. In a vague sorta way. Like it is, but it isn’t. You ever want to scream and pull out your hair because of your inability to be a regular human as you unlearn trauma and relearn normalcy? I think recently I’ve gotten better at it, but sometimes people say things or do things that irk me. Because… WHATS IT TO YA? it still gets to me though. WHATS IT TO ME? a response to my hard work is what. I thought I was doing good! Working past my traumas. So, uh, take your sass, commentary, and odd looks somewhere else where I’m not in the process of growing. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

A list of things I am thinking about

I want to write but nothing comes to mind at the moment. I am thoughtless and at the same time in a whirlwind of thoughts, just no explanation for those thoughts I guess.

  1. This music that I am writing to is loud and I am not sure if that is what is giving me a headache or if it’s my ear as I just gauged up. Either way I have a slight headache.
  2. Working, I am working more than usual this week. I went from barely part time to average hours and I like it. I mean obviously because I like being able to survive and pay rent but its a distraction, something to do.
  3. I AM SO NERVOUS TO GET SICK! But at the same time I’m like just wear a fucking mask and stay inside and you’ll be fine. Common sense man, who’s sharing all these germs?
  4. Ugh, that boy was cute. Sad we couldn’t mess around.
  5. These things I want to do in my life seem bigger than me but I know I must do them f0r us.
  6. Black Lives STILL Matter. Thats it. Thats all, stop acting like racism isn’t real.
  7. I miss you so much.
  8. Like so fucking much. I miss sitting and watching animes with you. I miss hiking, I miss talking, I miss our walks around the facilities, I miss gossiping with you, I miss the way you would tell me to calm down when I was anxious or overwhelmed with feeling. I miss hugging you and seeing you. I promise you, I’m doing the best I can.
  9. I don’t know if I really have friends or not, I know its just my anxiety again but sometimes I can’t do anything to win against its words.
  10. How good I’ve done writing wise. I’ve written at least 4 pieces just in June alone and am continuing to write some what frequently.
  11. I’m not sure if it seems worth it to continue with life but then again what else is there to do?
  12. How I started writing this because I wanted to write a poem about how to tell these people to fuck off but then I didn’t care anymore and couldn’t find the words anymore so I started writing this instead. So, I guess I wasn’t ever actually thinking of you guys but if you’re reading this I just want you to know I don’t give a shit anymore.

America is not white

Why is it so important to recognize the vast array of cultures we have here? Why is it so important for America to not be white? Because, America never was white to begin with, nor should it act like it is completely white. This is what America is known for, yet does not recognize that it was not white to begin with and not fully white. America is a college pamphlet that shows you one of every race and when you show up its just a ton of tan white people with dark hair.

America is a ‘MELTING POT’ though! As they so drilled into my brain every history and sociology class I took. That is what we are known for, that is why everyone wants to come here right? The big American melting pot dream; We have people from every where! We unwrap them like candy, eat their culture, and throw them away.

Christopher Columbus sailed the ocean blue over to America and stole and killed, I mean found and befriended, NOPE, I mean stole and fucking mass genocided a whole population. Intentionally, I mean poisoned buffalo just to kill off the entire Native American population and when that didn’t work, a law was passed where the government would pay $10 dollars per each dead Native American you brought in.

You sure do love making Native Americans look like Indians not Americans. You love your spirit animal, your spirituality, your earth, but hate your founders and love your settlers.

Why is America so obsessed with being color blind? AMERICA IS NOT WHITE. By saying you are colorblind you are actually saying that you just see white and ignore discrimination. We are different that is the point! AMERICA HAS COLOR AND IT IS NOT FOREIGN.

You sure do love your Tacobell, Cafe Rio, Cinco De Not-a-Real-Holiday Mayo, your Cabo trips, but hate Mexicans, hate your neighbor.

You sure love your Caribbean cruises, your box braids, rappers, love your aesthetically worn looking Tupac shirt, love your one black friend but not our black America.

hyper-focused &overwhelmed

I met my anxiety last night, looked straight into its void of a face and told it to shut up when it told me I was too much, too loud, too aware, too here, too there, too everywhere. Acknowledged when my anxiety was speaking for me and told it I have my own voice and came back swinging. Told it not to talk to other people while I am still in the room, as if I am not in the room, in my body.

and still…it’s here. Lurking, waiting for the next time it can try again, fight again. I keep looking at it and it keeps fucking filling me like those buckets at the pools that just fill with water until they spill over. Y’know? Like it’s the water and I’m the bucket and I’m trying so hard to keep it all the fuck in until I just can’t and it all just spills out of me.

I have so many metaphors on what anxiety is to me, but then it all just makes me feel like I’m making my own anxiety feel better about itself? On That 70’s Show Red Foreman says “If you’re not angry enough to bare knuckle box, you’re not really angry.” and I am always ready to bare knuckle box with my own anxiety, I see it now the next match up: a smoke break with my friends and I see my anxiety lacing up its gloves and its like fuck man why you so obsessed with me? We gotta do this again? We’ve been over this, man, we don’t vibe, what don’t you get?

I’m beating it to a pulp and at this point all its really got is words to spit at me and I just keep telling it to shut the fuck up and it keeps telling me it will get me next time and I’m like dude? Why are you so obsessed with me? It tells me I’m the one obsessed with it, tells me I’m the one who brings them up in conversation, and then suddenly I feel really weird cause then I’m like am I my own anxieties, anxiety? After that we just part ways and we don’t see each other until we’re both ready to bare knuckle box again.

how else do I say repair the system?

Did you know police officers weren’t trained to intervene in another officers use of excessive force until the brutal beating of Rodney King in 1992? Did you also know that according to a 2017 report only 21 states mandate de-escalation training. So what are our officers trained to do exactly and are they properly trained to serve us how we need them to do? The answer is fuck no, lmao. In case it hasn’t been evident in the past fucking weeks.

Only 14% of black Americans can say they fully trust their police force and as for the general public, 33% can say they fully trust the police. They also take twice as long to respond to calls in non-white neighborhoods and sometimes they don’t come at all, while white people generally experience a faster response time.

57% of gun homicide victims are black, and cops are killing about 3 people a day, which 24% accounted for are black citizens.

Those are just some fast facts, aside from that, let’s talk about “qualified immunity” this is why we need to change the way the police force, which is designated to serve us, runs. Qualified immunity in basic terms is saying a police officer is protected from committing crimes that violate constitutional law but not case law. Meaning they can basically do just about anything and face no consequences and many very obviously do not. SO, not only are our officials corrupt but the system is made to help them achieve it without fear of punishment. This immunity was created back in 1967 when they decided some officers ‘acted in good faith’ and thought their actions were authorized by law.

Along with that, let’s talk about something that maybe you’ve heard about. It’s called ‘testilying’. This term was coined more than 25 years ago and it’s still a big thing. It is how they get away with unreasonable searches and unlawful stops. They make up and stretch the truth in order to conduct stops and unreasonable searches that usually end up in an arrest or another case of police brutality. An investigation done by New York Times found out that on more than 25 different occasions since January 2015 there were key details in their testimonies that were proven to be false.

Well, not only are they getting away with brutalizing citizens on a daily basis, they are funded beyond belief despite dropping crime rates, and they suck at their jobs. They get funded $114.5 billion even though crime rates have seen a steady decline! Aside from the decreased crime, theres a 40% chance any murderer won’t be caught and a 50/50 chance for a murder to be caught when the victim was black; and lets just also throw in that rape arrests are only at about a 34% arrest rate and less than 15% of robberies and motor thefts result in an arrest.

If we are still worried about police officers being killed, 1042 people have been shot and killed in the past year. Since 2015 the police have shot and killed more than 5,000 people at a rate of 1,000 per year. Defund and repair the law enforcement unit. It’s not unruly citizens being put into place, quit acting like our whole system isn’t in need of repairing.

It’s not just one bad apple, it’s systematic racism.

It is easy for most of you to condemn a whole race for the actions of a few, but quick to say it is only ever just ONE bad apple when it comes to our officers, care providers, and our government. Informal racism is a hand in hand combo with systematic racism. When you decide its not your business to speak up and correct what you can where you can because it doesn’t DIRECTLY affect you, You tell your government, your officers, your health providers and your fellow POC that you AGREE that we deserve less than some how, fueling their bias and yours.

– You are being racist when you decide that you don’t mind that these things are happening to your fellow POC.-

Honestly, America is in this mindset that skin color is now merely a coincidence when it comes to hate crimes, disciplinary actions, law enforcement actions, health care, and our basic way of life. That way of thinking is killing us. That way of thinking is oppressing us. You are turning a blind eye to our murders and mistreatings because you want to believe in the system over our own experiences and tellings and some of y’all are just plain racist.

Let’s stop pretending like it isn’t about skin color. Let’s stop saying it’s merely coincidental that even though drug usage is fairly equal between white Americans versus black Americans, black Americans are arrested at a 3.7% higher rate. Let’s stop pretending that Most black Americans don’t even make it to trial, most taking a plea deal instead, the idea of it being better to take the shorter sentence for something you didn’t do rather than exercise their right to trial and risk a longer sentence for crime they didn’t commit.

Let’s stop pretending like it’s just a “colored people” thing to be poor, as if from the beginning with “black codes” creating less opportunities, that African-Americans did not even get the chance to start building wealth until slavery was abolished and Freedmans Savings bank was created in 1865, the g.i. bill that flat out excluded black veterans from being able to get bank loans for their mortgages because banks wouldn’t loan to black neighborhoods, but they were also excluded from being able to move to the suburbs due to covenant deeds and informal racism. Let’s stop pretending like America hasn’t been keeping colored Americans poor, giving white Americans more opportunities in the process. its not Mexicans stealing your jobs when our government is systematically giving us the lower jobs to keep white Americans in higher positions.

The first time racial discrimination in health care was noticed was in the 1980s. 30 to 40% of black and latino people experience poorer health outcomes than their white peers, we are not more prone to disease we are more prone to discrimination. Our doctors are denying and dismissing our needs as a search for drugs or undeserving of a healthy life. All lives cannot matter until you realize that your white life already, so obviously, matters because you are not dying. Data from CDC suggests that infant mortality in white infants is at least 50% lower than for black infants. Black women compared to white women have lower screening rates for breast cancer but breast cancer death rates are 50% higher than white women.

Let’s talk about our school to prison pipeline, let’s stop pretending that exists and that quite frankly, it’s weird. The fact that we have officers in schools criminalizing minor infractions that should be handled IN the school BY the school. Instead we turn what would have been a detention, minor suspension, is now an assault, an arrest, a record, but let’s also not forget that even with that in mind our black students are expelled at a rate three times higher than their white peers and it starts from preschool. That our school to prison pipeline is leading black students to end up in juvenile systems no later than a year later after discretionary violations at school three times higher than white peers and that black students make up for 31% of school arrests. Let’s stop pretending that America isn’t funneling black students right into juvenile and prison systems from school.

America prides itself in being a “melting pot” time and time again, but does a shit job at actually being a melting pot when it is founded and based on racism and continues to be. It isn’t just that we want justice for our black lives, it’s about breaking down and rebuilding a system that tells the people that there doesn’t need to be justice, a system that says it is always right and above the people. Dismantling a system that does more than wait to prosecute murderer cops based on protests demanding they do the right thing . A system that is based on justice not color.


To help the oppressed is not to be oppressed as well, it is to see others being oppressed and be offended that others do not think that YOU as well are being equally oppressed is the wrong idea of equality. The idea is for the oppressed to reach justice, and the oppressors and offenders to reach accountability.

To help the oppressed is not to be oppressed as well, it is to see others being oppressed and be offended that others do not think that YOU as well are being equally oppressed is the wrong idea of equality. The idea is for the oppressed to reach justice, and the oppressors and offenders to reach accountability.

Your life holds value, but your life is not at stake. #BLACKLIVESMATTER. Racism is still very prevalent, it doesn’t need to be the 1850’s for you to believe that there is still racism. Even things such as racism, and hate, evolve and just because you don’t see the white man holding a black man by a leash as if he were a pet doesn’t mean that the way people are being targeted for “looking suspicious” based on a pulled up hood isn’t racism or over hearing a cop say “finding a black man in Utah is like finding a pot of gold; And they’re most likely getting pulled over”. Quit expecting things to be so hideously heinous for you to believe that it is real, especially when it already is. #ICANTBREATHE. Diminishing racism isn’t eradicating racism.

1 in 1,000 black men and boys can expect to die as the result of police brutality. Thats 2.5 times higher than their white peers. With cases like Tamir Rice, who was shot for a toy gun at a park, prejudice. Michael Brown, who died being shot at multiple times, after stating he was unarmed. A “botched” arrest. Eric Garner, who died by being choked over a “botched” arrest over untaxed cigarettes, and now George Floyd recently added to that list over a “bad” check and another “botched” arrest as they would like to call it.

Time and time again it is put off as a “botched arrest” or the basic victim blaming. “If he did this”, “if he had complied”, “but what if they actually were bad..” when they know there is no excuse. No excuse for a person to be killed during an arrest, if you want peaceful protest then hold the police accountable for their violent arrests. Black people are held with a “bring in dead or alive” arrest while their white peers can be handled peacefully. The matter of the fact is that these officers act on racist prejudice and power trips. Power trips based on knowing the system is on their side, prejudice based on stereotypes and cycles dating back centuries that have yet to be fully broken. To hear the name time and time again and still be able to only say “but, you heard about the black guy right?”, “You know that black guy?” you prove that the system is broken; when you forget the name, you excuse the crime.

The blatant racism, of our disgustingly entitled officers and white suburban moms who think they have the right to know why, what, when and where of every colored man walking within 5 feet of them with nothing suspicious but the skin on their bones, the police officers who mark black as the crime, those who mark language as a threat and those who turn their face to the already too long list of names, out cries for justice that have gone unheard for the country. Each name another protest call, until there is change.

The reality of it is that it is not about whether it is all cops or not, it is the reality of no higher power being held accountable for crimes against their people. Whether or not those in the position to hold those accountable, do actually hold them accountable; or wait for the outcries to make excuses. Protests that turn riot are not the problem, letting the issue get that far is. Ignoring the fact that the system is creating the riots, turning them violent to silence us. The reality of it is that the system is blatantly racist and isn’t afraid to show it nor silence you in the wake of it.

Being blind is still contributing to the problem, there are ways to help, ways to change.

petitions to sign:

groups/sites to join&follow:


bail fund help:

Atlanta –

Austin –


Bay Area (San Fran, Oakland, San Jose, Vallejo, Santa Rosa, Santa Cruz, Sacramento, Oakley)

Birmingham & Hoover, AL Venmo @ Starrobb CashApp $StarRobb

Brooklyn –

Boston –

Buffalo NY

Charleston South Carolina

Charlotte – Cash App: $WereStillHere Venmo: ResistanceisBeautiful Call: (980) 224-2097 bail support

PAYPAL = CashApp = NcFreedomfund


Chicago –

Cincinnati Ohio

Cleveland – BLM Cleveland

Colorado –

Columbia, SC: Cash app/Venmo sodacitybail | 803-602-4589

Columbus –



Denver –

Des Moines –

Detroit –

Fargo & Morehead North Dakota

Florida: ← posting for all individuals, focus on LGBTQ

Grand Rapids / Western Michigan

Greenville, SC $UpstateBLM

Harrisburg, PA

Houston –

Indianapolis –

Jacksonville, FL

Kansas City –

Lancaster, PA

Las Vegas –

Lexington, KY | Venmo/ Cash App: lexbailfund

Los Angeles (inc. Oxnard, San Clemente, Santa Ana, Long Beach, Victorville, Chino, Santa Monica): ← bail, supplies, transport overall fund

Louisville –

Madison, WI Venmo: @Liam-Manjon | Cashapp: $FreeThe350BailFund | Paypal:

Mass –

Memphis –

Miami –


Milwaukee –

Minneapolis  ← asking for help in other areas. Click thru for links/direction

Minnesota –

Nashville – call 615-495-5450

Nebraska  – 

New Orleans –

New York- ← focused on trans humans

North Carolina PAYPAL = CashApp = NcFreedomfund


Ohio – Canton/Akron

Oklahoma City

Orlando Florida

Philly –


Pittsburgh –

Portland –

Raleigh/ Chapel Hill –

PAYPAL = CashApp = NcFreedomfund

Richmond –

Rhode Island

Roanoke –

Rockford IL (and Winnebago County)

Salt Lake City, Utah

San Antonio –

San Diego (inc La Mesa)

San Jose

Seattle –

Silicon Valley/San Jose:

Toronto –



Washington State

Wilmington, DE


local information:

Utah will be having a protest at Washington square/ Salt Lake City Library at 6 p.m. for racist police terror/brutality and state repression
(be wary, as threats of white supremacist showing up have been announced)

what this is.

THIS is only suppose to happen in shows, THIS is the season finale to a telenovela, not real life. It’s a jump cut from falling into a coma and waking up 5 months later and being able to go back to normal like its nothing; but that’s not what this is.

This is not an episode of televisions greatest show where they fall into a coma from being shot, or injured, only to wake up 6 months later and be able to walk, talk, eat, and leave. This is wondering why you woke up one day just fine one minute and fell asleep and wouldn’t wake up again the next. This is wondering why you ended up in the hospital in the first place. This is finding out how shit healthcare is. This is finding out that doctors don’t make it better, they make it worse too.

This is months of waiting for you to wake up, being told you might not wake up, being told you will never be you again, being told you will be a vegetable for the rest of your life. This is remorse, guilt, pain. This is thinking what if you don’t wake up? What if I cannot tell you I’m sorry for not being there, for not staying when I felt something was wrong.

This is blaming myself, constantly thinking I could have changed the course of all of this and some how, some way, if I had done SOMETHING, ANYTHING, different at all it would have ended just like the shows: going back to normal in one jump cut.

This is wondering why we have to argue for people to treat you human. This is arguments, this is care facility after care facility. This is shitty excuse after shitty excuse. This is watching you have to relearn what you already knew. This is having to prove ourselves every day that you will get better.

This is wondering how you’re going to change, wondering how it’s going to be different when it’s over. This is a lot of things bad and good. This is just life, this is struggling, laughing, crying, growing, healing.

Sunny Sundays

i think, i just think i might have a good one here. I hope its as great as I think. got a lot out on this one.

Fuck. This is going to hurt.

This is such a different type of pain, dwelling on how we spent our last times… my heart is pounding. I can’t reverse this. Theres no reversing this.
Things I have noticed since you’ve been gone
The unicorn bag we got from lotus,
The way it rained softly on our hike on Sunday the day after,
The way my kia bubbled up my throat the day of your viewing and black belt ceremony,
The angel pendant you got in your mystery bag I bought you to bring to you before the funeral,
The sheep in that field the day of your funeral.

There’s this desperation in my heart I just can’t fill, this place I feel the need to run to, but I don’t know how long I will be running until I get there. Everyone keeps telling me to call them, man, if I need anything they’ve got me. Only a call away, a text away, a drive away.

How do say that the only person I want to call, text, and drive to is you?

People keep sending flowers and I keep wishing they were for something beautiful, something fun, bright, full of light; but this is just painfully sad. They keep saying it gets better but it wont. This is a hurt that will last forever.

And honestly? I wish they would stop fucking saying it gets better. There’s no way you can convince me it gets better without her, it’s just different. Lonely. Empty. I turn around to tell her something and see a tombstone and I just so desperately want to fucking see her.

I feel defeated, broke down, like we lost. I’ve never been more tired.
I think about how hard being away from you for a week vacation was and I think about how a lifetime will feel.

Everyday feels like the same day on repeat.

I have to go to work again, I don’t want to.
I keep thinking you’re just somewhere we can’t see you yet.
I keep forgetting.
I keep thinking it’ll be over soon and I’ll be able to see you again.
I keep hoping it’ll go back to normal. But it wont ever be normal again


hey! Thats just not fair…there’s too much time in a day now and it hurts. I miss you. I feel like I should have been able to do something to make you stay longer. We had so much planned…this wasn’t suppose to happen. It never is suppose to happen until it does.